Friday, October 31, 2008

Oh I am not finished yet....

I had a situation with a patient's family member at work which left me very angry. By the way, for those of you who don't work in the health care profession, most of my problems come not from the patient but from the well meaning family member who usually just ends up delaying things by getting in the way, causing more problems, etc. If you find this is you, please just go home for a little while and let us do our job, not what you have determined is our job from your uninformed position. It took me 9 years to get where I am now and an expensive degree and license.
As I worked through that anger and basically being told I had done nothing for the patient ( and I had done a whole lot of something for the patient just not what the family member wanted). He basically told me I was a bad nurse and complained to hospital because I did not do everything the way he wanted it done. Also on a side note, this family member is supposedly a health care professional. You would think a fellow health care professional would understand what all I had done that night or be understanding but usually they are the worst.
I realized I was to some degree avoiding that patient's room because I knew nothing I did would be good enough for that man and I couldn't take care of the problem. I was hoping by her not calling out I had somehow fixed the issue with my efforts but I knew it wouldn't. Yes like most people I avoid things I don't know how to fix. Doesn't mean I hadn't done anything for her, it just means I knew it was going to take more than me to fix it and I had other people to take care of too.
I came to realize from all this something Trevor has told me for some time now, I let other people control how I feel about myself. I had always said, "But what do I do about it?" Or vehemently denied it. I guess listening to the series on the heart got me thinking, "Hey it is taking a lot of energy and strength to worry about what other people think about me."
Wow I know, what an epiphany.
One thing that travel nursing has helped me with in my self esteem is to know that I am a good nurse. I have worked hard and I care about my patients. I guess I have come a long way from last year when my former boss told me my patients didn't feel I cared for them. Or from the experiences at a local hospital where I get attitude every day from fellow staff for just being me.( I have some more thoughts on that one coming up) I started to realize I have a lot of people telling or accusing me of things that are just not true. As a truly caring person I had always let things affect me deeply. Things that I am sure most people just pass off as, "That person doesn't even know me why would I let them affect me?"
I have come to know just how much I have let other peoples' issues affect me. From today on I will not let other peoples' jealousy and problems with themselves weigh me down. I came to the understanding with Andy's sermon that the reason these people were treating me like crap is a) because I let them b) because they are jealous of me!
This last part was like a light bulb coming on in my head. I just thought, "It all makes sense! But why?" The why doesn't matter. This just helps me be a better person because I realize it wasn't me they had a problem with.
I thank God I understand this now. The next step is learning from it. "Either you learn from it, or run from it."---Rafiki, from the Lion King.
Wow! I know what you are thinking, two posts in two consecutive days! After this they may be even fewer and far between for a few days.
The three month contract with Scott and White is up in one week. Can't say I am all too sad to leave that hospital. The experience has not been altogether pleasant--or even unpleasant for that matter but always enlightening. Negotiations are underway with a new company that just has a few more options that could be better for us.
I was able to sleep in my bed for the night. Most of it with the little furry friend curled up next to me. (Jack, unfortunately, not Trevor for most of the night) I have plenty to do today. As part of my devotion today I wanted to blog about a series I have been listening to in the car called It Came From Within by Andy Standley from Northpointe Ministries.
The series explains how to have a clean heart, from a biblical but different approach than I have ever seen.
The first message was on the condition of the heart and why we often say things that often surprise even us. Proverbs 4 :23 says, "Above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." The first step to doing anything well in life, loving, leading,etc is to keep your heart clean.
Jesus talks about where those unexpected outbursts come from, your heart. Those things that come out and everybody, including you is thinking,"Where in the world did that come from?" Jesus says it comes from the heart. Due to time restraints I will reference where the Pharisees question Jesus about not washing his hands before he ate ( not eww gross he didn't wash at all but the ceremonial bla,bla,bla the Pharisees did for show). Jesus replies it is not what comes out of a man that makes him unclean but what goes into him. Meaning what is on the inside matters more than what is on the outside. Those little outbursts come from an unclean heart. Andy says these things get through our filter. Our filter is what we learn from an early age to maintain relationships,etc to keep what is in our heart hidden. The filter comes from when we learn at age 5 we can't say that certain word ( for me it was butt, thanks Mom) or we get in trouble. When we say things uncharacteristically for us those things just make it past our filter. Doesn't mean they weren't always there, just means we learned to filter. I have discovered my filter often gets broken at work, when all the stress brings our rotten things from my heart.
The second message was on guilt and how unchecked it can weigh us down and ruin all our relationships, not just with the person we have wronged. Andy explains how we have to go to the person we have wronged to rid ourselves of guilt. Confession does no good if we only confess to God since he already knows. We have to go to the person we have wronged to truly make things right.
In the next message that Hideous Thing, Andy describes what envy can do to a person. Its not what you have always heard preached either. (I couldn't do his description justice so if you are interested I can get you the sermon series). In short we treat others who have more____ whatever better because of envy. Our problem is not with them but with God. "God why didn't you give me____?"
So far I have a long laundry list for my own heart, people to confess my wrong doing to and it won't be easy. I have to, though, to make my heart clean.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

"I'm coming home but I'm still a long way off."

Jack and I are heading back to Oklahoma after a short nap. This is brief for my adoring "fans" who check my blog daily for updates. I have been keeping things updated with twitter. Maybe there is a similar thing for blogger? We'll see...
Heading to Kansas tomorrow afternoon with Trev for a Tri State meeting.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

My favorite things about fall

I have thinking about how much I love Fall. October, in particular, is so beautiful! Here's what I love about Fall:
  • The weather is perfect! I have been enjoying walks and front porch tea times chats with Trevor every night when we are home.
  • The leaves change colors. Well maybe not as much in Shawnee. I have fond memories of traveling to Missouri at this time of year. Also a I think of a trip I went on last fall to South Carolina and Tennessee. Sigh, maybe next year.
  • Craving Jack-o-lanterns. I say this instead of Halloween because I like other things about fall besides this holiday. Maybe I will get more into it when I have kids. Craving pumpkins is fun though. I will post our pics when we do our carving.

I am sure there are more I can't think of now. What are your favorite things about fall?

Stranger things have happened

The last few days have been interesting to say the least. Of course there have been the typical issues with our families. We continue to pray. There was an incident yesterday with some things preceding and following that lead me to believe I need to be a woman of prayer more than ever. I wonder what is going on. Well, truth is I know.
I don't claim to know I know why but the spiritual world around is stirring more than usual. The battle for good in this world continues on even as I go about my daily routines. There is a battle going on every day that we get glimpses into from time to time (Ephesians 6: 10-20). Pray for me as I suit up in the armor of God daily. I will pray for you too.