Crossroads

"Don't ask for less problems, ask for more skills."
---Jim Rohn, The Day that Turns Your Life Around

Come listen to another series of ramblings in my head from the lastest drama that is my life.
It seems I am at another crossroads (and I am not talking about the cheesy movie with Brittany Spears either). This one is to stay---or not stay. That is the question.
Here's the gist without getting too detailed. Hah, that's funny when you see how long this post is! Its long but PLEASE read on. As some of you know I started a home health job about 3 months ago. I really stepped out on a limb to take this job because I truly believe God has designed me to be a nurse in a setting outside floor/hospital nursing. I was amazed the opportunity had come so quickly. I prayed and believed that this is what God wanted for me. And I know just because things are not going as I had hoped does not mean this is not what God intended. I praise God when adversities come, they make me stronger. (James Chapter 1)
Wednesday, it was brought to my attention that I am not doing as well as I thought. "Home health is not easy. You make lots of mistakes at first. That' s normal." This was what my supervisors and co-workers have told me for weeks. So when the bosses called me in for a closed door meeting and asked, "How do you feel things are going?" I replied, "Good, I have made mistakes, I know what to do now because of them." The administrator replied, "Yes, you have some problems. Things are not progressing as well as we had hoped. You are not where you should be at three months." She continued to tell me that I have made the same mistakes over and over with little or no signs of improvement. She also told me about my "lack of cordiality and rapport with my patients." That is the part I am still not getting.
I love my patients and fight for them. Reportedly, my supervisors talked to my patients and co-workers about my patient interaction. According to my administrator, they concluded I am too "cut and dry." Well yeah I am. But I love my patients! The meeting continued to inform me I have two weeks to improve my paperwork and form rapport with my patients or I will be terminated.
Wow. Talk about a ton of bricks to drop on somebody. Without seeming too critical of the orientation process of becoming a nurse, I am about to become very critical of the whole orientation process.
I thought this morning about how we as human beings are designed by God with a distinct purpose in mind. With saying this though, I realize we also draw a lot of our sense of our world from our experiences and environment. I think back to when I first became a nurse. Realize nursing school has a little to do with that but one's first job can very influential.
I think about Vanessa. Vanessa was my first preceptor at St Luke's when I did not know a thing about working in the hospital. Vanessa was a Phillipino lady who stood about 5 feet tall. What Vanessa lacked in height she made up for in personality. She proudly recognized that co-workers called her "Hitler" due to her sometimes not so kind,commanding, get-it-done-now, approach to nursing. She taught me time management in the sense that "You can't talk to patients! You too busy!" She argued with me once when I asked a CNA for help with getting a patient to cooperate to get a BP. "You the RN! If you can't do it, no one can!" I still hear her saying, "You behind. This should be done, NOW!" She frequently reduced me to tears. Her cattle prod approach to nursing taught me time management. It can also account for my tendency to be brusque, and to put it frankly, very "cut and dry" at times.
St Luke's had an amazing orientation that allowed sufficient time to orient, about six months on the floor I worked on. (Other places say they will allow enough time but frequently don't) When I moved to nights, it was still hectic. Most of the time the nurses were the secretary, aide, and own supervisor rolled into one. Nicole took up the task of training me next. Nicole was the sweetest, most efficient nurse. She patiently taught me how to draw blood, start IV's, handle patient complaints, while remaining calm. Unfortunately, some of Vanessa's survival techniques stuck. I fear I treated Nicole badly because when I finally got on my own I was scared. And it was hard and that is not an excuse. I thank Nicole for all she did. And even Vanessa. If I had not been trained well there were numerous occasions I would have quit.
The orientation at each place after St Luke's was fair to poor at best. Julie will admit she did not have time to really train me at Baptist and I really did well from the beginning due to my experiences at St Luke's. I trained for maybe a two weeks with Julie and then I was on my own.
Orientation at Unity, well let's just say the preceptor and I didn't mix well. I found myself doing most of HER work for her at the end. Oh and I discovered frequently rules that were not explained or even mentioned. I told my nursing supervisor NOT to train anyone with this nurse ever again. I hope she listened.

And lastly, this orientation experience currently has been thrown together at best. It is not to say people haven't bent over backwards for me. And this is not to say I did not follow excellent caring nurses. I love the people I work with and for, they are the best. Thus far, I think this might be the best job I've had. I just think, for me, the orientation process wasn't organized in such a way to help me succeed. And this past week doesn't make it all bad. It can be the day that turns my life around if I let it.
People at my job have been encouraging me for weeks. They have patted me on the back for being patient with my mistakes. Now I fear my mistakes will be the end of me there. I understand its because I keep making the same mistakes. And its not because I'm not trying. Its because I don't get it-- yet.

I feel if a problem exists in the orientation process, it should not be up to the orientee to bring it up. Especially when the orientee has been told over and over that this is "normal." If a problem develops and the bosses see it, I feel they have the responsibility to bring it up to the orientee in a timely fashion. What I find most overwhelming is two things . 1) I feel I am doing well (I was on call BY MYSELF WITH LITTLE INSTRUCTION THREE WEEKS into the job!) all things considered. 2) I have two weeks to fix a "personality problem" that I didn't even know I have.

And with saying all this please pray for my sanity. I want to use this past Wednesday to improve, but I am overwhelmed. Please pray that I would go where I need to go and have the conversations I need to have. And thank you for listening/reading my thoughts. I know I probably shouldn't divulge this but this its my blog and my job. This has nothing to do with private stuff except for what is private to me and I am sharing with readers who I know care about me. Thank you

Heroes?

Well our Internet is back up so I guess you have the privilege of listening to a rambling thought of mine.
I finished watching the first season of Heroes. The story begins when a group of seeming normal people find out they are extraordinary through a series of events. One man can fly. Another can read people's thoughts. Still one more has super strength. As the story continues to unfold, the heroes find out they all will take part in a major world altering event. Each person discovers how he or she can help save the world.
This show strikes a chord with so many of us who search for meaning and significance to our existence. I have wondered often long and hard about how I was made with a "special" purpose in mind that can be accomplished by no one but me. A hero if you want to think about it that way.
Maybe it is the little child in me that cries, "Notice what I can do that no one else can!" I even find myself among the body of believers thinking, "If only I could _____, I would be significant." I go on week by week believing in my heart that no one notices me. When someone actually does forget about me, this convinces me all the more.
It is then I am convinced of my hero ability, the power of invisibility. People forget about me, yes. It is good people trust me and do not feel threatened by me. It is not so positive when people fail to remember me. Or even in some instances flat out ignore me.
I know, I know God remembers me. He knew me before I was born (Psalm 139: 13). He sings a song of rejoicing over me (Zephaniah 3:17). I am the most precious thing to him. I am part of Him (Isaiah 62:3).
I know these things to be true. I also know if the body does not work together, the world dies.
Our mission is to save a world decaying from within. Our world rots away as sin destroys the perfect world our Father has made. The only hope we have is to look to God for answers on how we can work together and rely on Him.
The heroes encounter each other on that faithful day to find out--they need each other. They discover if they work alone, evil will destroy the world. If they don't purposefully and sacrificially use their abilities to the fullest, they will fail.
The same is true of the Church. If we deny we need each other, as I have done for so long because of the pain of rejection, the Church will fail. The purpose of the Church is the same our Lord's "to seek and save that which was lost." We have to believe in each other, and in our Lord's will, or all will be lost. Then we will be truly heroes and save the world.

And I remember
Yes he included me. Jesus included me. When the Lord said whosoever, he included me.

And that must be all I need.